I Broke Every Law

These days, it’s very hard to know which laws we actually have to follow and which are merely optional. Unfortunately for me, many of my least favorite laws still seem to be mandatory. It seems to me that a law is a law and that it should be followed and enforced until it is no longer a law. To do otherwise diminishes the legitimacy of the laws that we really do want people to follow.

Johnny Cash wrote a song called “I’ve Been Everywhere”. This is a parody of that song called “I Broke Every Law” (both words and MP3 attached).

I Broke Every Law
(To the tune of “I’ve Been Everywhere”)

“I clocked you at 200 driving down the Winnemucca Road”
“I know, I saw you Officer and that’s the reason why I slowed”
“I’m taking you to jail Mac. We’re going for a ride”
And so I got into the police car and settled down inside
He said “I hope they like your story when you’re on the witness stand”
And I said “Listen, I have broken every law in this here land”

I broke every law, man
‘Cause I don’t know which laws, man
Get enforced by y’all, man
So I tried them all, man
Broke both large and small, man
I broke every law

Illegal
Immigration, tax evasion, making threats against the nation
Public lewdness, swearing, crudeness, spitting, leering, common rudeness
Minor crime like merely stealing, mixed in with some double-dealing
I tried stalking and jay walking, during movies, I like talking
Then I tried a homicide but it’s okay, he barely died and
Once I used banned pesticide and told some jokes about Joe Biden

I broke every law, man
‘Cause I don’t know which laws, man
Get enforced by y’all, man
So I tried them all, man
Broke both large and small, man
I broke every law

I tried some
Outright lying, snooping, prying, selling secret plans and spying
Treason although with good reason, wearing flip flops out of season
Making moonshine in my basement, frequent monument defacement
Racketeering and extortion, reputational distortion
Desecration, detonation, FDR impersonation
Vandalism, plagiarism, worst of all was capitalism

I broke every law, man
‘Cause I don’t know which laws, man
Get enforced by y’all, man
So I tried them all, man
Broke both large and small, man
I broke every law

Ashamed of
Waterboarding, Star Wars hoarding, mocking New York Times reporting
When it’s winter and it’s storming, I have doubts on global warming
I don’t want to drive a Prius, thinking that Barrack could free us
Owning weapons, self protection, voting red in each election
Using reason, not emotion, having faith and full devotion
Not a fan of globalizing, I don’t like apologizing

I broke every law, man
‘Cause I don’t know which laws, man
Get enforced by y’all, man
So I tried them all, man
Broke both large and small, man
I broke every law

So insane
I find this whole thing confusing. Just who it is who is choosing
Which crimes merit prosecution? Is it in the constitution?
I think this administration, practices discrimination
Some law-breakers get convicted. Many crimes go unrestricted
While my lawyer keeps objecting, somehow I can’t stop reflecting
I know one law I’ll be heeding. You won’t ever catch me speeding

I broke every law, man
‘Cause I don’t know which laws, man
Get enforced by y’all, man
So I tried them all, man
Broke both large and small, man
I broke every law

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